Wordless Wednesday: Cute Memory

(Christmas Present from my hubby.)

Marriage Monday: Conscious Responsibility

I was first introduced to the works of Dr. Neil Clark Warren when my professor invited us to earn a bundle of points in his class. We had a list of items and had to choose several to earn our points. One of them was to tune-in to a the weekly radio show he then contributed to. (You may recognize his name or face now though as the creator of eHarmony.)

I'd like to share with you a few excerpts from one of his books that I think holds such a key message!

". . . when the Los Angeles Rams football team lost to the Chicago Bears in the National Football League playoffs, Coach John Robinson took all the blame.

'The reason we lost,' he said, 'is because I was never able to communicate to the team a vision of our winning. And without a vision of being able to do something, you can't do anything.'

Just like football teams, when spouses do not have a vision, they risk losing--and losing at something far more important than a game.

On the other hand, what an enormous qualitative difference it makes for two lovers to dream together about their marriage! Too often, people 'wander into' this high-requirement game of marriage with a totally inadequate dream. Without this kind of guiding vision, they become easy targets for disappointment, temptation, conflict, boredom, and confusion."

There is a reason that in business people are always creating and updating their 5 year/10 year plan. Or in weight loss it's been proven that those who write down their goals will loose more weight than those who don't.

Why not apply these principles to marriage? Talk with your spouse about what your marriage will be like in the future. Where would you like to live? What would you like to be doing? How will your spirituality increase? How can you serve more? How will your parenting change? What can I improve on? What can we improve on? (It is good to do this every year as obviously we change, our circumstances change, our kids grow, etc. and we must refocus and create newer, updated visions.)

He adds,

"Dreams and visions stimulate the brain and mobilize the action centers. Whatever it is that you dream about with regularity, you will begin to hope for. Hope stimulates planning. Planning produces behavior designed to move you forward. This brings progress. It all begins with a dream!"

Such a good reminder. I love the lines 'stimulate the brain' and 'mobilize the action centers'.

Then later he says,

"Every couple needs to take conscious responsibility for choosing the course their marriage will follow."

That one is worth reading again! Seriously, I'll wait. Go read it again.

Conscious responsibility. Our days are going to continue to happen whether we're proactive or not. Life can just pass us by or we can enjoy it and be happy by being conscious of our future and being active in what happens to us.

There is so much goodness in this one chapter alone, just imagine the rest of his book. I can't urge you all enough to look into getting a hold of any of the books I've talked about and read them in their entirety.

*All quotes in this post come from Learning to Live With the Love of Your Life. . . And Loving It! by Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.

*Images found using Google Images.

If you're interested in reading more Marriage Monday posts, click here. Thanks for stopping by!

Our perfect gifts.

We celebrated our 9 year anniversary on Monday, 1-10-11. It was awesome!



Hubby has night school so we were able to take a lunch date (with the kids, and it was fun!). Plus this year we both totally nailed the gift portion of the day.

He got me Boy Meets World season 4 (I've been waiting a looong time for this to come out) and I got him Futurama Volume 5. We were both totally surprised so that was fun!

You can read last years post and find out why we were eating a hamburger before we cut our cake.

Marriage Monday: Positive Moments

A big part of my studies in school involved a lot more than sitting in a classroom listening to lecture after lecture. In fact one specific professor of mine encouraged us to find a handful of books on relationship topics that interested us most, purchase them to always have in our home library and study them often. He told us that because of the field we'd chosen to study, when people found out what our degree was in they'd inevitably have stories and questions for us.

I quickly discovered as I read through a handful of my books that I generally favored the research, findings, style and advice of one more than the others. One of my most favorite experts in the field of marriage and relationships is Dr. John Gottman. He says,

"A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship." 1

Whether you're argument style is on one side of the pendulum or the other (couples who are generally calm and compromise vs those who erupt in passionate disputes) his point is that it's not the fighting that is going to cause problems it's the way we can resolve the conflicts that can increase or damage our relationship.

Then he adds,

". . .I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That's how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage."2

So with the knowledge that arguments are going to happen, negativity is going to creep into our relationships, and life is going to be hard, in his research Dr. Gottman found,

"You must have at least five times as many positive as negative moments together if your marriage is to be stable."3

What are some positive interactions you can think of?

(Please share with us in the comments!)

Or situations when you've given or received a memorable positive encounter?

While many of these things may come naturally and without much effort for some it may take getting back into the habit or increasing the ratio. May I suggest being vigilant in this? Perhaps to even help yourself get into the habit and try to remember constantly to do this maybe prepare a list (don't worry it may only take one time for this to sink in) the day before of things you'd like to try (realize this positive/negative ratio also works with our children, parents, roommates, etc).

For example my list could be:

1. Leave a note where my spouse will see it during the day when we're apart (on the front seat of his car, on the bathroom mirror with dry erase marker, a sticky note on his computer).
2. Before we part ways for the day we'll share at least one kiss and hug.
3. While we're away I'll do at least one thing (if you already have an idea write it down) to show my spouse I thought of him.
4. Encourage him or check in (I know my spouse has a big day/appt/todo list. I'll call him at 3pm to see how it all went).
5. During dinner I'll thank my spouse for their hard work today with ____.
6. Plan some time for your spouse to enjoy something they want. "I'll put the kids to bed tonight, why dont you sit down and read for a while."
7. Plan something fun to do together. "After the kids go to bed I thought it'd be fun to___ play this game/watch this movie together."
8. Before we go to sleep I'm going to ask my spouse how his day was and listen with interest.

I love the way he sums this up.

"Like the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which says that in closed enery systems things tend to run down and get less orderly, the same seems to be true of closed relationships like marriages. My guess is that if you do nothing to make things get better in your marriage but do not do anything wrong, the marriage will still tend to get worse over time. To maintain a balanced emotional ecology you need to make an effort --think about your spouse during the day, think about how to make a good thing even better, and act."4

1-4 Cited quotes are are from Why marriages Succeed or Fail . . . And How YOU Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman, PhD.

You can find my other Marriage Monday's here.

*Photos in this post were found using google images.

What I read last year:

Oh how I love to read. And what's even more fun is being involved in the book reading community with other big readers and fabulous authors and all the fun events (especially the great ones held here in Utah).

I love Goodreads (where more friends and authors are) and Shelfari (I like the visual 'shelf' look of it better) because they help keep track of what I read. I can also see what my friends are reading or wanting to read and easily add it to my "to read" shelf so I dont forget later when I'm looking for another great book.

I update my Goodreads account (more often then Shelfari) so if you're interested in my ratings and reviews or lists of books you can find them all there. You can find me as Debbie Cranberryfries.

In order from most recently read (in Dec 2010) to what I started the year off with (in Jan 2010).

*Utah Authors

1. Dreamland by Sarah Dessen
2. Wither (Chemical Garden, #1) by Lauren DeStefano
3. Clockwork Angel (The Infernal Devices, #1) by Cassandra Clare
4. *Welcome to Stalk Lake City by Sheralyn Pratt
5. The Dark Days of Hamburger Halpin by Josh Berk
6. *City of Angels (The Rhea Jensen Series, #1) by Sheralyn Pratt
7. Defensive Tactics by Steve Westover
8. *Sun and Moon, Ice and Snow by Jessica Day George
9. Paranormalcy (Paranormalcy, #1) by Kiersten White
10. *The Way He Lived by Emily Wing Smith
11. *Once Was Lost by Sara Zarr
12. *The Clockwork Three by Matthew J. Kirby
13. Mockingjay (The Hunger Games, #3) by Suzanne Collins
14. *Matched (Matched #1) by Ally Condie
15. Spells (Wings, #2) by Aprilynne Pike
16. White Cat (Curse Workers, #1) by Holly Black
17. Going Too Far by Jennifer Echols
18. *The Loser's Guide to Life and Love: A Novel by A.E. Cannon
19. *Story of a Girl by Sara Zarr
20. Linger (The Wolves of Mercy Falls, #2) by Maggie Stiefvater
21. Spirit Bound (Vampire Academy, #5) by Richelle Mead
22. *Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary (Fablehaven, #4) by Brandon Mull
23. *Grip of the Shadow Plague (Fablehaven, #3) by Brandon Mull
24. The Truth about Forever by Sarah Dessen
25. The Diamonds by Ted Michael
26. *Book of a Thousand Days by Shannon Hale
27. Hush, Hush (Hush, Hush, #1) by Becca Fitzpatrick
28. Wings (Wings, #1) by Aprilynne Pike
29. *The Hourglass Door (Hourglass Door Trilogy, #1) by Lisa Mangum
30. Blood Promise (Vampire Academy, #4) by Richelle Mead
31. *The Ball's in Her Court by Heather Justesen
32. Mouth To Mouth by Erin McCarthy
33. Shadow Kiss (Vampire Academy, #3) by Richelle Mead
34. Sarah's Quilt: A Novel of Sarah Agnes Prine and the Arizona Territories, 1906 by Nancy E. Turner
35. What the Lady Wants by Jennifer Crusie
36. Pretty Little Liars (Pretty Little Liars, #1) by Sara Shepard
37. Frostbite (Vampire Academy, #2) by Richelle Mead
38. *My Ridiculous, Romantic Obsessions by Becca Wilhite
39. Vampire Academy (Vampire Academy, #1) by Richelle Mead
40. *Swoon at Your Own Risk by Sydney Salter
41. *Summer in Paris by Michele Ashman Bell
42. *Secret Sisters by Tristi Pinkston
43. *Courting Miss Lancaster by Sarah M. Eden
44. *Band of Sisters by Annette Lyon
45. *Dangerous Connections by Julie Coulter Bellon
46. *Rise of the Evening Star (Fablehaven, #2) by Brandon Mull
47. *Being Sixteen by Ally Condie
48. City of Glass (The Mortal Instruments, #3) by Cassandra Clare
49. *By Love or By Sea by Rachel Rager
50. City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments, #1) by Cassandra Clare
51. City of Ashes (The Mortal Instruments, #2) by Cassandra Clare
52. *Altared Plans by Rebecca Talley
53. *The Journal of Curious Letters (The 13th Reality, #1) by James Dashner
54. *Lemon Tart (Culinary Mystery, #1) by Josi S. Kilpack
55. Ruined: A Ghost Story by Paula Morris
56. Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson
57. Airhead (Airhead, #1) by Meg Cabot

What was your favorite book you read last year?

Who Ya Gonna Call?

(Photo taken by me Oct 2010 in Utah County)

Marriage Monday: Mutual Toleration

When I first headed off to college I started studying for my degree in Marriage and Family studies I thought the only route to take was continuing on to be a therapist. After taking a couple of intro therapy classes I decided if I were to make it my lifelong education I just wouldn't be happy dealing with so much negativity all day. (*While it wasn't the right study area for me, I still feel like it's an incredible profession and one that I think more consumers should take advantage of.)

Luckily for me I had awesome professors and classes that I enjoyed and I found instead some fun research based studies to participate in and decided to steer my studies towards a Marriage Enrichment focus.

The other day I was admiring my shelfs of wonderful books and material on marriage education and thought it'd be fun to share what I'm passionate about with all of you. It may or may not be occurring once a week.

So . . . introducing my very own Marriage Monday. To start us off here is a great quote.

"There seems to be a superstition among many thousands of our young who hold hands and smooch in the drive-ins that marriage is a cottage surrounded by perpetual hollyhocks, to which a perpetually young and handsome husband comes home to a perpetually young and ravishing wife. When the hollyhocks wither and boredom and bills appear, the divorce courts are jammed.

Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just ordinary people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. . . .

Life is like an old-time rail journey--delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders, and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."

--Jenkin Lloyd Jones, newspaper columnist

I love this quote and hope that it reminds us of the positives more than negatives.

I hope that it helps us understand that it's a choice (yours to be specific) to be happy and experience the joy in life (in marriage, in your job, in your friendships, in your family).

I hope that it reminds us all to be grateful for what we do have.

I hope that it inspires us to want to strive for that higher degree of mutual toleration.

What are your thoughts about what Jenkin Lloyd Jones had to say?

You can find my other Marriage Monday's here.