It's ok to go bed angry.
(Don't believe that old myth never go to bed angry.)
When our basic needs aren't met our brains aren't working as clearly as they could be. Not really an ideal time to try to discuss something that we're seemingly passionate about.
However, before going to bed you could set up a time for following day to meet and discuss the issue. That way both of you know you're still going to work it out and you'll both be available and ready with full attention and a clearer mind. Then, get a good nights sleep!
(And just for fun, when I was having my husband read over this for me he suggested I give an example. I like this post just the way it is but I figure a little give and take right? So here is his suggestion for you all. Just like in school when the professors suggest you prepare for a big test what do they tell you? Get a good nights rest, eat a good breakfast and clear your mind.)
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I completely agree! My education in psychology and sociology, and personal experience, has pushed this point too. However, I have found that the Christian world typically tends to disagree, sternly, and I have been given a lot of disapproving looks and speeches by some of the older generation for agreeing otherwise.
To friends of mine who have gotten engaged, I have offered them 2 bits of marital advice (when asked): 1) It's okay to go to bed angry and 2) Lysol kitchen cleaner works great on carpets. :D
Having gotten in a big argument with my friend last night, and now feeling guilty this morning, I suppose it's not altogether a bad idea:)
I have to admit, it kind of annoys me when people give that advice. There have been times in my marriage that I've gone to bed so angry, just to wake up and realize, it's not that big of a deal. One thing I do try to do is even if we are angry, I still give my hubby a kiss goodnight. Sometimes just that simple kiss is enough to bring me back to reality and kind of symbolizes the start of the reconciliation process for me. It also helps me remember that even if I am upset, I still love this man dearly.
Thank you so much for posting this! I hate when people give newlyweds the advice that you should never go to bed angry. It's so untrue. You should definitely always talk about your annoyances or fights or whatever, but sometimes time is a great tool for cooling off or getting in a more humble frame of mind.
Also, my other advice for newlyweds because I think so many people go into marriage thinking it's not necessarily going to be easy, but it's not going to be as hard as some of us realize it is. The advice is, it's okay to agree to disagree. You don't always have to be in agreement. The important thing is validating each other's opinions and being respectful of each other's opinions.
PS--My counselor always advocates for setting a time to discuss things or saying something like, "give me a couple of hours before we talk about this."
I agree wholeheartedly. Sometimes the problem goes away with a good night's sleep and sometimes the extra time to think about it lets you dig down to the real underlying issues because as I learned relatively recently is that "it's never really about the dishes."
Everything is better after sleep!
I agree too! I like that you added that you should set a time to talk the next day though. You don't want to go to bed seething if you can avoid it. I'm pretty lucky though, my cute hubby is the peacemaker. He can't stand more 10 minutes of a bad-vibe before he wants to make peace.
Debbie- I love your Marriage Monday posts! They always make me stop and think about what I can actively be doing to create a better relationship with my husband. But the beauty of it is, like the ripple effect, it doesn't just help me be a good wife, it helps me be a better mom and a better friend!
Thank you! :)
I can NOT imagine going to bed with bad feelings. I was counseled early in my marriage to NEVER go to bed without working disagreements out... I took that to the extent of NEVER go to bed without working thing out and having feelings of love and peace with my husband. Consequetnly, I CAN'T SLEEP unless we FIRST resolve things and "make out"... I mean "make up." ;D LOL
I'm so happy about these Monday posts! :D
PS. I posted the video on your last week's MMpost with a link to your blog. Thanks! :D
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